Used to be... POISONED

I believed I’m poisoned, and the poison is you. Whenever my mind wants to take a break, images of you will creep in and over shadow my thoughts. I don’t know when this start happening but it never goes away since. I have always tried to convince myself that it’s just a crush, it wouldn’t last long. It just so happen we have good rapport. This is just a friendship, a normal attraction to opposite sex that wouldn’t last. Little did I know it just goes on and on for months. From time to time, I told myself, we are impossible, you’re attached and the fact that we are two islands apart, it just makes everything even tougher. Nevertheless, I saw a glimpse of hope when I realised you’re single. The feeling just grow as time goes by, especially when I see you the 2nd time during your backpack trip. I wanted so to see you but didn’t want to appear to be too anxious, hence held myself back from picking you from airport, from turning up and meeting you earlier but you’re in my mind all the time, all the time. I looked forward to your sms-es every day when you’re travelling around, it brings smile to my face. But at the same time I fear, I really do. I do not want to get into complicated entangled relationship again. I kind of had enough in the past. As much as we joke, I always believe that you would know my feelings towards you. After all, I have been nice and sweet towards you and dropped millions of hints though at the same time I’m trying to escape from the fact as well. It just a state of confusion, as much as I hate my emotions to sway with every actions of yours and acting like a weakling but I just can’t stop myself falling into you. It just like quick sand, the more I struggle, the faster I fall. I had my impulse to come up front with you, my impulse to fly and be by your side but I had always been suppressing it, forcing and convincing myself otherwise. In one of my attempt to fool myself, I deleted all your sms-es so I couldn’t browse at it when I miss you but still it doesn’t help a bit. I went to overseas for a getaway, hoping I could straighten my thoughts but it didn’t help either. You’re constantly on my mind, always, always thinking of you. I don’t know why. I’m depending real hard on my willpower. I told myself, set a deadline, if nothing happens I shall just drop the whole idea and live my life; I will be able to get over you and last year end was my deadline. Despite determination, it never happened. You’re on my mind when regardless which continental I’m in! While I’m travelling, what running through my mind is what you have been through, we are stepping on the same path but different time zone, and also the times when you sms-ed me when you’re here; those nice and sweet memories. I know I have told you, it would be nice if you just get attached. Then gossip will stop but deep inside I was hoping that it will help to stop my feelings for you. I got what I asked for but instead of putting it down, I was shattered. When I got the news in office, my palm was sweating and my whole body was having chill, I’m freezing, but I tried to pull myself through the day and hide my emotions. As time goes by, things indeed got easier, and I thought maybe I can really do it, my feelings for you isn’t that strong as I thought it is. But I’m wrong again, when I saw the pictures of you and your girlfriend I got that creepy chill feeling again, and I totally hated myself for feeling that way. I know I’m in love and you’re in my heart. But you’re attached, I didn’t want to disturb your life, so long you're happy, hence I’m holding it back yet again. Time have goes by but it still doesn’t change a bit, I’m tired of this game. I’m exhausted, I want to get over with it and I just can’t contain it any longer. Initially, I was also draw back by the fact that we are distance apart but now all I want is to give a try. That fine day when I confessed my feelings for you, I’m seriously pissed. Angry with you and myself, why did I not seize the chance earlier and why did you not realised it despite all the care I showered for you and most important, why must you deny the fact that you still like me and not only in the past? I can still sense it now, I know it when I got your chocolates, and I seriously do, because it’s an additional effort from you. I know I shouldn’t show you this, I should just keep it with me but I don’t want to have regrets. I thought and fight through really hard before arriving to this decision. I put down my pride to fight for happiness, would you be with me, hold my hand and take up this challenge?